Tangy Lemon

yesterday was a full day off pissed away. I did manage to get my car into the shop, so hopefully it will of sound body soon, though I think it will have to go back in, perhaps to a different place, for an internal type check up. Which, I should probably do myself. August looms,
and there are many things I ought to get busy on accomplishing before the semester begins.
To wit:
-Learning to quickly and painlessly put on contact lenses.
-Going to the beach at least once.
-getting in the habit of going to the gym regularly.
-seeing various specialists (ie, dermatologist, psychiatrist, gastroenterologist and/or throat specialist)
-organizing and downsizing crap.
-figuring out what my schedule will be

etc...
right yesterday i sat on my ass, and read and watched a pretty disappointing bollywood movie. sat around and was kind of lonely and sad. I wasted the day, then beat myself up for doing so. yay. that's the kind of habit i am looking to break. If i am going to regret something, maybe i should just not. here hoping for less of that. Which also hopefully means I will be eating more healthfully and getting more exercise, since not doing those things is what i tend to regret most often. blech. taking care of oneself. i though i was supposed to have learned thatsort of thing already, but find myself rather inexpert at it. baby steps yo. but I have decided to be less defeated.
somewhere along the line I gave up on myself, on my ability to change the things I don't like in myself and my life. because, when you're just killing time until something answers your unspoken prayers and kills you, it seems too intimidating somehow, too much effort, too much of a commitment to a future you'd rather just didn't exist.
but... i think i do want to live. silly as it sounds put that way, i'm not always sure about that. so I'll take the risk of hoping,
of trying.